The Year of the Unknown

By the time January 2013 rolled around, I had no clue what the next 12 months would bring. All I knew is that I was beyond ready to lay 2012 to rest. I was exhausted and stuck firmly in the ambiguous, uncomfortable space of "what now?" The best choice I could make was "forward." And forward we went. Some baby steps, some canyon-sized leaps, but by george did we move.

I relearned what it was like to have weekends. I memorized scripture. I found quiet. I felt boredom. I rekindled friendships that had dwindled to embers and watched as altogether new ones sparked to life. I faced my fears. I marked two years of unsuccessfully trying to have a baby. I went to a fertility doctor, left without answers but with peace. I started the adoption process. I celebrated birthdays, graduations, new babies and new marriages. I gained 5 pounds and ate way too many snowcones. I traveled to the mountains, to the ocean, the east coast and the west coast. I quit my job. I started a year of service with a food bank. I cut my hair off. I did almost no blogging. I think I made maybe two crafts. I had countless moments where I stood breathless at the beauty of my life, smiling like a silly fool. I fell more in love with my husband, and firmly out of love with the idea that I am Martha Stewart (or that I even want to be).

It's a list that may not show much by the world's standards of finances, promotions and move-ups. Heck, I took a job that pays less than minimum wage. But, what a time of learning. When we closed the Pie Place, I had grand ideas in the back of my mind that with my new found free time, I would begin to learn, and master, my dream list of crafts, projects and trades (basically, Pinterest). Instead, the thing I became a student of was myself. The slow-dawning light of my season of quiet illuminated parts of myself I had never noticed, or perhaps never wanted to admit. Some were surprising, some were not so pretty, but with every revelation I settled a little deeper into the comfort of who I am. It required forgiveness and honesty with myself. It was finally seeing worldly standards I need to abandon and heavenly ones I'm sorrily short of. It was an invitation for grace to enter in and before me, acting as that ever-sweet buffer between who I realize I am and who my Lord asks me to be. If we were charting that as a means of success, I'd say it's a marked win. I began the year in a state of mixed anxiety and eagerness to trust because I had No idea where I was going. And guess what? We're three weeks away from 2014, and I still don't know what the plan really is.

Except, forward. Always forward.

Love in the unknown,
K