November: The Days We Said Goodbye

This post just about refused to be written, stubborn little thing. And in its rebellious streak, it will likely leave out important details. Downright unruly, I tell you. And late to boot!

For the last three years of my life, November has arrived with equal weightings of dread and excitement. It's the gateway to the Holidays, time with friends and family and food amuck; but it also means little sleep, stress to the max and more pies than I can count.

In many ways,  this November was no different, and yet, it was also like walking into a foreign land. This would be our last Thanksgiving at Pie Place, at least in its current format. My way of coping for the first three weeks was basically to pretend it wasn't happening. Not healthy, I know, but old habits are hard to break. My general plan was to just "get through", and so I did. And by the time we arrived at November 21st,  my heart began trying to back-pedal, realizing I had arrived to this moment OK, but wasn't ready to keep going.

Over the days and weeks preceding, I had cried intermittently, nearly always at the wrong time. Come to think of it, that seems to be a trait of mine - like not crying at funerals, but instead on the drive home. I read somewhere that introverts are often less outspoken because we internalize and slowly process things before we making an outward response. It makes perfect sense to me. I'll chalk it up to that, but it usually ends up meaning situationally-imbalanced tears, belated words of thanks, and terrible responses to surprises (sorry, all). During most of closing week the air felt thick, like the sky before a storm, almost tangible with the weight of imminent rain.  The impending "lasts" threatened to do me in. I've never been very good with lasts, even with things that caused me heartache.

Luckily, baking several hundred pies will serve as a pretty decent distraction. Best friend and I wore our pretty aprons. We worked hours on end, we rolled dough, shaped crusts, made countless fillings, egg-washed, and admired our handy work. I photographed everything I could think of; all the things I had been too busy to notice in the last 3 1/2 years. I almost felt panicked about documenting the details - the flour on the butcher block, the stack of rolling pins, the pie boxes. Would I remember what this kitchen looked like (would I want to? haha), or the dining room, or these people and this moment? Click, click, click went the camera. We changed the sign from "Open" to "Closed" one last time. Click, click, click. We hit the lights in the dining room one last time. Click, click, click. We sold our last pie. Click, click. We roused the boys (who had fallen asleep on tables/the floor after having been up for well over 48 hours), and broke out the champagne (which I'd been saving, little knowing that it would be to commiserate more than celebrate) and managed to find a handful of words to toast the closing of this chapter. To pie. To a sold-out empty case. To broccoli, the glitter of the kitchen world (I would explain this, but it probably wouldn't seem very funny). To new adventures. Click, click, click.

We went to dinner at Frescos, a post-Thanksgiving-pie-rush tradition. We smiled and laughed, genuine in our joy, but the rain still loomed. As so often happens with me, when it was over and we were headed home, it was in the quiet that the downpour finally came, and so did the tears. I had fought them, as to my logical brain it felt utterly silly to be crying over such a first-world problem. I was clothed, fed, happily married, not broke, friends still by my side. But God - my God - He is big enough to catch even the tears that don't make sense. And so they fell. They fell for my feelings of failure. They fell for my hatred of endings. They fell for dreams unrealized. They fell for my self-perceived lack of bravery. They fell for fear of the future. They fell for every single moment that took place in that building - the good, the bad, and the ugly. And that dear sweet husband of mine wrapped me up in his arms like a physical extension of my Comforter. He didn't shush or try to reason with me. Lord, bless that man for sticking with the dose of crazy he married.

God let me lament. He let me say goodbye. He patiently waited until my tantrum had run its course and I was ready to listen, again, to the words He whispers - this does not define you. And I know that. He knows I know that. I think my head knows all of the right words and answers, but that journey from head to heart...its a slow-go sometimes. I fell asleep in exhaustion and awoke the next morning to a quiet house, sunlight streaming in my windows, and my heart quietly says The storm always loses to the sun. Amen and amen.

I kept up my three-years-running ritual of grocery shopping on Thanksgiving morning. Something about wandering the empty aisles of a grocery store feels therapeutic to me (cheaper than a therapist, and often resulting in good eats...I'll take it). We spent the morning cooking and the remainder of the day with family. And although we had chosen the previous day as our last day of business, I couldn't help but feel that it was God-orchestrated that my day of self-focused sadness was hemmed in by a day of ritualized gratitude. Because as I've repeatedly realized, thankfulness is quite the antidote  to self. So I gave thanks. For knowing that earthly failures are small in His story. For endings, which also mean beginnings. For dreams yet unrealized. For knowing that true bravery can be found in a heart that is tied with His. For the hope that lies in a future unknown to me. For every single moment that took place in that building - the good, the bad, and even the ugly. For a friendship that outlasted a business and a husband ordained for me. And I prayed for a life-manifestation of that thanks in place of just words. Because my head knows that to make this worthwhile, to do that gift of the Pie Place justice, to hope to progress our business with any firm foundation, gratitude must go before me. And while that knowledge makes its way from my head, to my heart, to my feet, I'll say again and again, Thank You.

October 8-31: The Days I Grew

Growing pains - funny things, those guys. Painful, annoying even, but a sign of forward momentum. Akin to the changing of the leaves, almost, in the way of perceptions. Brilliant colors or death in bloom? Either way, we close one season and we begin another, and in the middle of it all, the sun rises and sets, rises and sets. Sometimes it feels like that continuity is a betrayal of my emotions. How dare this earth keep turning when I'm still working through today, or even yesterday? Sometimes it’s a blessing - I think left to own devices, I'd hit pause and in my longing for understanding, I'd be reluctant to ever hit play again. Paralysis in analysis, I guess. And once again, His wisdom prevails - He knows the purpose of the movement, of the seasons, of the pains that lie in transitions, and the fullness of the beauty that lies on the other side.

As mentioned in September, we came to a decision about the shop - we chose to close the doors. Not forever, mind you, as we have sincere hopes of reopening in pie-only venue. There's a lot more to say about our future wishes & dreams, which I’ll share in due time. For now, though, we’re done. I spent the weeks following that decision rolling those words on my tongue, waiting for the foreignness to rub off, hoping for the heat to not rush to my face when asked about the state of things. And in the waiting, there was the living. October has always been my favorite month of the year. It carries so many celebrations, and Oct 2012 was no exception. Here’s a run-down of the highlights (which obviously didn’t include daily blogging)

·          I gave up Facebook for a couple of weeks. I felt altogether disconnected and reconnected, from the world and to My World, respectively. I’ve left behind the need to update the “world” on my ever move/meal/outfit/activity, something I am so, so grateful for. I came back primarily to update internet friends on the shop changes. I feel another fast coming in my future, though.

·         I took maternity photos for my knocked-up pal {wonderful coworker} and her baby daddy {husband}. I warned them that I’m not a pro, but they insisted and I accepted – a fun challenge! Also, I’m better at photographing dogs than people. Ha.

·         Caught my little brother’s last soccer game, which they won. I also snuggled the littlest nephew, gave him his first taste of dill pickle (not.a.fan.), and watched the big one rule the playground in his cowboy hat and wooden sword. All’s well ‘til a stranger gets stabbed.

·         Husband went on his first “business trip” to a training session in Houston. I’m a big baby and luckily have friends who don’t judge my not wanting to stay at home alone for 3 days. Crashed at the parents and the hetero-lifemate’s. I enjoyed the brief return to life with my parents though – dinner made at night, coffee ready in the morning. Aahhh.

·         Celebrated 4 wonderful years with that man of mine – we went to the movies, to dinner, played 20 questions, visited the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit, did some thrifting, some sewing and crafting (Yes, my husband can sew. Better than me after only one try. I don’t want to talk about it.) There aren’t enough words to sum up how thankful I am for that man, for 4 years of laughter, barefoot kitchen dances, play fights, late night movies and a friendship that continues to grow. Blessed beyond measure.

·         Finished out our anniversary weekend with a trip to the state fair – bonus, I didn’t eat myself into sickness this time! Speaking of sickness, after scouring the entire fair ground for the perfect ride, Husband ended up choosing the exact ride that made him sick last year. Ended the night with tacos @ Taco Cabana

·         Had a doctor’s appointment that ended with good results. Vague, but it’s a praise worth sharing, nonetheless!

·         Baked what felt like a million cupcakes for our church’s marriage retreat. Bonus: eating all the mistakes. Yummy, yummy mistakes.

·         Watched God, yet again, do wonderful things in the lives of married couples during the retreat. We weren’t there to partake or directly witness, but the stories of mended hearts, renewed commitment and just plain miracles keep coming up. I am so thankful for parents and friends who are passionate about marriage, about not just making it last, but making it wonderful.

·         Subsequently received my first order for custom cupcakes. More mistake eating! Side note, dear Lord I’m never eating cupcakes again. Also, went through like 3 lbs of butter in just a few days. Yessir.

·         Hit, and passed, preggo friend’s due date – only by a few days, though. Welcome to the world, Natalie Ryan!

·         Phoned in my last-minute Halloween costume – I was a ceiling fan (read: I wore a shirt with the words “Go Ceiling!” ironed on the front and carried around some pom poms). Got to go trick-or-treating with some of the little people in my life, though! Captain Hook, Smee and Mario! Cutest ever.

So there you go. The storms may rage, but the Lighthouse is in the living, not just the surviving. Praying I continue to drink in those moments instead of waiting for my exit from the valley. There’s hope in the shadows of those mountain tops. Wellsprings of hope.

Love & Perspective,

K

October 7 - The Day We Adventured

The original plan for this day was to get the heck outta dodge. Or, Fort Worth. Whatev. At first, it was family camping, but with dropping temps and sick family members, that got scrapped. Since the following day was a holiday for husband and I had already taken off from work, we toyed with the idea of just picking up and heading to Austin for an impromptu adventure. It should be noted here that I love the idea of being spontaneous, but the trait is rarely applied to actual living. So, naturally, the more I thought about how messy my house was, or my empty fridge, the less inclined I was to "escape", just to come back to the mess I already had. So, we stayed put and settled for making a pact to a) clean our house, and b) get out of said clean house.

We decided to hijack the husband's littlest siblings and take them hiking at a nearby state park. These two are close in age, best friends, and always carry the potential of giggles & messes (usually together). We don't get to spend as much time with them as we would like, so outings like these are fun (and slightly unpredictable). So, we walked through the woods, letting them be our trail guides. They are pretty dang good navigators, though we did have to have a discussion about not choosing paths only fit for those under 5 ft tall (read: Jon and I ran into some tree branches). We headed back when it started to rain and it took less than 10 minutes before they were conked out in the backseat. I love the sound of giggling kids. Also love the sound of sleeping ones. :)

We capped off the night with a movie with my side of the family & staying up late watching something (?) on Netflix. It was not all that spontaneous, but it was still an adventure. I'll take it.

Highlights:
1) Lunch at Cracker Barrel - finally satisfied my craving for those Dumplins! (YUM.)

2) Underestimated the seriousness of chilly temperatures. We made fun of the kiddos for their extreme layers and gloves, but I think we were a bit jealous by the end of our hike. In an effort to keep warm/show I'm still cool, I raced the kids. They won (but then I was warm, so really, I win)

3) It seems Miles can tell the difference between squirrel poop and raccoon poop. Best advertisement for the Boy Scouts of America? Yup.

Love & Close-to-home Wanderlust,

K

October 6 - The Day The "Cold" Came

It started on Friday evening, you could feel a change in the air. By Saturday morning, it had arrived: COLD. Now, I fully accept that I am a Texan, born and bread, and that these temperatures are not considered much beyond the title of "chilly" in the northern US. But, y'all. It was deliciously, autumnally (is this a word? It should be), wonderfully cold.

I spent the morning prepping at the shop, accompanied by (what else?) Christmas music. If ever there's a reason to listen to that stuff early, its the first cold front of the year. After wrapping up there, I headed home to get cleaned up (because smelling like pie isn't as nice as it sounds), and prepared myself for a day of chilly weather at the baseball fields. Both my boys (nephew and brother) had double headers that day. I got to see one of each of their games (both wins!), with a little best friend shopping in between. By the time the 2nd game was over, we were chilled to the bone, even it if was still in the 50s. Husband made sure to get in a good amount of teasing about Texans their lack of cold-tolerance. Whatever, Yankee!

Wrapped  up the day with a big bowl of tortilla soup from my favorite local Mexican restaurant, Antonios. Delicioso!

Highlights:
1) Wore my first scarf of the year! I chose a Burberry-esque plaid, skinny jeans, boots and a cardigan.

2) Drank a salted caramel latte. Um, YUM.

3) Spent some good huddle time with my mom under blankets at brother's game. Life lessons we discussed: Tights aren't pants, ladies. Also, yelling at your pitcher son, "you have to throw strikes!" probably isn't helping...I doubt he was planning on throwing crappy pitches.

Love & Cuddle-Worthy Days,

K

October 5 - The Day I Babysat

Husband texted me early in the day to tell me that his sister was offering free tickets to Screams, a local(ish) Halloween theme park. While I love Halloween, my appreciation is more of the "ohh, look at what Martha Stewart did to those pumpkins with glitter" variety. Not so much on the "Some guy is chasing me and I think I just peed myself" kind. So, despite his pleadings, I told him he could go, but I was out. I jokingly said "me and Ella (his sis's kiddo) would stay behind. Fast forward a few hours, and they decide to take me up on that offer.

Now, I haven't been a babysitter since high school. And even then, they were kids, not babies. That isn't to say I don't love babies, because I very much do. But the thought of them when their mothers aren't standing within a 10 ft radius is a little frightening. But, she's my niece. She normally is such a good baby, and she likes me and knows me enough that this should be smooth sailing, right? Umm...

My parents called and asked if me and my tow-along wanted to come for dinner and the ranger game, along with my Grandmother. Someone fixing me dinner, and the safety net of two women who raised me being close by? Be there in 5! She did so great for the first little bit, charming everyone with her baby fat rolls and big grins. But about 15 minutes in, she realized "hey...I don't really recognize this place. Or these people...what the...WAAAAHHHHH!". Or something like that. We tried to get her to eat the dinner her momma made for her (homemade applesauce, which sounded great to me). She was not having that mess. Mom to the rescue, #1 - as a grandma, she had a plethora of toys for the wee one's distraction. We tried food again, and this time mac & cheese from my plate went much better. We had only minor melt downs for awhile  (she would crawl away, all smiles, then realize I wasn't right next to her, then she'd wail. We repeated this quite a number of times). Then, the biggest test of all - bed time. She was giving me all the signals that we were a go, but oh boy, we were not. After reaching what I can only imagine is pure loathing for me and my attempts at lulling, Mom/surrogate Nana took over while I stood helplessly by. It reached a point where all I could do was laugh. After a few more back-and-forths, she finally just passed out in my mother's arms...who then passed out in the recliner. They snored together, it was cute. Also, my mom wouldn't put her down for fear of waking the sleeping bear. She continued to sniffle her in sleep for the first 10 minutes or so. I thought we were golden, as I got the message that Ella's parental units were on their way back. Until she woke up, and we repeated the "where am I and who are these scary people?!" thing. Thankfully, we were able to distract her with a puppy until they got there. I'm sure they didn't plan on their kid being awake so close to midnight, but I count it a success as she wasn't crying when they arrived. In retrospect, I have two things to say: 1) I hope that baby still likes me and that I didn't scar her for life, and 2) if/when I have a baby, I'm sequestering my mother in my house in case of emergencies, for at least a year.

Highlights:
1) We had snack day today. The theme - Asian takeout! I had great plans to make these yummy sesame meatballs...yeah, I totally phoned it in. Taste of Asia to the rescue!

2) My parents made the best comfort meal - fried chicken tenders, mashed potatoes, peas, rolls, mac & cheese, asparagus, squash. MMMMmmmmm.

3) The Rangers lost. Pretty badly, too. The best part of the game, though, is that Ella fell asleep right during the 9th inning. So, imagine a sleeping baby, and a room full of whispered cheers/boos at the television. It was comical, to say the least.

Love & Adventures in Aunthood,

K

October 4 - The Day We Watched Him Win the Game

First off, let me just say that I'm disappointed in myself. It was National Taco Day and I DIDN'T EVEN EAT A TACO. It was so sad, really. I mean, I ate a burrito bowl, so that's like half-credit, right? I'm sorry I failed you, food world. To make it up to you, I'll eat tacos every day for the rest of my life (but seriously, doesn't that sound like the best plan? Ever??)

To be quite honest, I don't really remember the first part of this day. It involved work, and I believe some Parks & Rec at lunch, but beyond that....well, it obviously wasn't that memorable. After work, however, is when the fun began.

I rushed to the shop to help that handsome husband of mine finish late prep. The plan was to stop by Fuzzy's for $1 taco (what?!), but apparently that was everyone else's plan, too. So, no dice. And no tacos. At this point, we were running late for lil bro's baseball game, so we settled for Taco Cabana bowls. On that note, as we left the shop to head for TC, husband turned left, away from TC, instead of right. Now, mind you, the inspiration for this restaurant came from a  huge billboard, saying "EXIT HERE", sitting right in front of us at a stop light. When it turned green, though, he made a u-turn and headed away from the giant, well-lit sign. I said "why are you going this way?" and he rattled off some answer about turn-arounds and no direct exits. In the past, my backseat driving has caused a few (so many) fights, so I kept quiet. Fast forward 5 minutes later when we sit in front of Taco CASA, when the lightbulb finally comes on - "Hey, wait. This isn't Taco Cabana!" When I explained where the actual destination was, he said "Well, why didn't you say something? You should've told me." - HERE YE, HERE YE - LET IT BE KNOW ON THIS DAY, OCTOBER 4TH, KK SMITH WAS GRANTED AFFIRMATION, VIA VERBAL DECREE, THAT DIRECTIONS ARE WELCOMED BY HER HUBSAND IN THE EVENT OF HIS VEHICULAR/DIRECTIONAL ERRORS. Ahem. Also, for the record, I didn't say anything because I really thought he saw the HUGE sign. Nope. Haha

After the game, despite my increasingly weighty eyelids, I headed to best friends' house to help with grading papers. I'm in awe of her patience and chosen career path every time I help with this task. Also in awe of her ability to pretend I'm not stupid when I don't know the answers to 9th grade biology questions myself. Gotta love her! I crawled into bed some time into October 5th, and that was that. I very, very good Thursday.

Highlights:
1) Brother made the game-winning tag! He also did pretty well at bat this go-round, and he's quite the little base-stealer. AND, this was after he had a soccer game at 5:30 (before his baseball game at 8). More energy than me, that's for sure!

2) I was supposed to run today. I did not run today. Oops?

3) Husband had his first out of school student sighting. He was at the concession stand and a young girl said "Why are you so dressed up?", to which he replied "Because I just came from work". She said "oh, where do you work? You look really familiar....". His professional, adult response: "I can't tell you!" *runs away*. Oh, that man of mine.

Love & Taco-less Thursdays,
K

October 3 - The Day of Donuts, Duels & Deep Weirdo Stares

Sometimes I feel like I've lost the ability to succinctly and interestingly sum up my days. And what's frustrating about this is that it was a beautiful, wonderful day, well worth a little delving into.  Oh well.

As I recount how my hours were actually spent, though, I realized just how busy I was. And how most days that were that jam-packed would've left me drained. And how much a dose of good will offset all the bad tossed my way. This kind of retrospection rings with the truth that your life, your day, your time, it's all what you make it. Your day is the ship, and your attitude is the sail. Hope you enjoyed that little slice of philosophical cheese...

So, as obviously inferred above, the day held a lot of work. Work work, pie shop work, cleaning my messy kitchen work. The boss lady brought donuts, which added with guilt-walking off said donuts, helped  the work work thing. Once that wrapped up, I headed to the shop to help that handsome hubby of mine with pie shop cooking. Side note: I have a strong smell memory tied to onions sauteing in butter. Brings up warm and bubbly feelings of holiday cooking, and my first cooking lessons (which, coincidentally, occurred in the fall, making another seasonal tie to this otherwise normal kitchen aroma). Combine that moment of sensory stimulation with the slight crisp in the air as dusk fell - I was one happy fall-loving lady.

We spent the evening at the park with our church family. I ate far more pizza than I should have, but the day's donuts (and tiny slice of pie....don't judge me!) weren't holding me over very well.  I held my sweet, sweet nephew, who giggled (and sometimes growled, my favorite trait of his), cooed and snuggled up on my chest. Oh goodness, how love that baby and his kissable little rolls!

His older brother was not so accepting of my kisses, so like any good aunt, I threatened him with a sword. Not one to back down from mock violence of any sort, he accepted my invitation for a duel. After seeing I was not going to be allowed to come away the victor, I let surrendered and he walked away with his tiny puffed out chest and thanked me for his victory. Ha! I hope he never loses that imagination.

I've had my fall decor out for 3 days now, but only got as far as pulling things out of boxes. I just couldn't drum up the motivation to finish (or really start for that matter). This night was different, though. I needed my home to reflect the dancing leaves (butterflies are for spring; fall gets dancing leaves) inside my chest. So, its not all the way done, but there's finally some symbiosis between my heart and this house. I've always said my home looks her best when dressed for fall. If you'd see it, you'd know. Like me, she was made for Autumn.

Highlights:
1) Best: Husband somehow got to singing that classy 90s tune, Sex & Candy by Marcy Playground. A line in the lyrics reads "Who's that casting devious stares in my direction?". I caught hubs singing "Who's that casting deep weirdo stares in my direction?" I died. Maybe it was the late hour at which this occurred, or his sincere surprise at my challenging his accuracy, but I couldn't stop laughing.

2) I blogged again. Hooray! It was half a month smooshed into a post. And it wasn't very detailed. Should we be celebrating this level of mediocrity? Ha.

3) A branch fell right in front of my doorway. Normally, I would find this annoying, but thanks to the plethora of ripe pecans that also fell in front of my doorway, I'll forgive my resident flora for their intrusion. Pecans...mmm.

Love & Misheard Lyrical Goodness,

K