Feb 24 - The Day The Second Call Came and Our New Road Began

Friday morning dawned and our house felt crowded with the unspoken thoughts we both shared. We stood in the kitchen, making a game plan for the day, shuffling schedules to make room for hospital visits, when around 6:50, the phone rang in the next room. Jon went to answer, and I heard nothing of the conversation as I listened to music in the kitchen. It was only a moment before he stepped into the doorway, pale-faced, and I knew. "He's gone." No words made sense to say, and my embrace felt so small a response to what my husband had just said. I asked if he was alone, and he said no, Terry had gone to be with him in the middle of the night, and she was by his side when he passed. I silently thanked God for small mercies, knowing the peace this fact would bring in the coming hours and days. Jon needed to go, to be alone for a moment, and though everything in me wanted to hang on to him, I knew I had to let him be. I appreciate the personality God gave me, but in moments like these, I hate that I'm a "fixer". There is no way to fix the breaking hearts of those you love, no way to make the pain go away or the situation resolve itself quickly. My insides grew knots as I mentally worked through all that was about to transpire. I couldn't physically do anything except be there, so be there I would. I updated my boss on the situation and told her I wouldn't be coming in this morning.

I watched my husband bravely take on his responsibility as oldest child and big brother, as he made the hardest phone calls imaginable to his siblings. His shower was long and cleansing, the tears falling as steady as the water that washed them away. A salty shower, he called it. The only words I kept finding were "I know." We headed to the hospital to be with Terry, and what a long drive it seemed. On the way, Jon questioned aloud whether he could face seeing his father in this state. The sweet memories of the day before prevailed in his mind, and he was unsure if he wanted to trade those last moments. We tabled the decision, waiting to cross that bridge until we had to face it.

We met Terry outside the doors of the hospice wing, and to Jon's relief, she echoed his sentiments about seeing his dad's body. He was at peace with his last moments with his dad, and she didn't pressure him to go and see him again, so he chose to preserve the memories as they were. She told him of the early morning's events, how she felt unable to stay at home in bed and just knew she needed to come back to be with Wes. She arrived close to 5:00 am and at 6:45, his heart finally came to rest. She combed his hair and straightened his appearance, and began to make the second round of difficult calls. Everyone knew it was coming, but no one knew just how fast. We were told on Thursday to expect about a week. No one could know as we left his room the night before that those would be the last moments. And I think, even with it being so incredibly difficult, that was best. I think Wes knew it was best, too. He was tired and he knew his family was at peace with his decision to let go, so he did. It was only fitting that his last moments be spent with the woman who had carried him through these 8 trying years. And again, we thank God for knowing better than we do.

The hospital waiting room soon filled with family, including my dad who came to offer his support and help with the hard decisions that now had to be made. Though it's not his profession, he knows many things about funerals and many people who deal with grieving families every day. His assistance was such a blessing. The heart wrenching continued as I watched my husband and his sister collapse into each others arms. They knew the pain they shared in a way I never could. As the oldest siblings and the only two who made it to the hospital, they talked with Terry about the next steps. Thankfully, all agreed to carry out Wes' wishes for cremation, and all felt at peace with not having a viewing of his body. I am eternally grateful for Terry and her willingness to consider and include the opinions of Wes' children. That family knows what it is to have a step-mom come in and take control away from children (as Wes' step-mom had done to him), and Terry made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she would never be that way. What a blessing that there was no arguing or disagreement in how to carry out his final wishes.

God's hand was so evident in the entire situation, particularly in the ways that you can only see from hindsight. Our business partner and best friend had gotten a job only a few days before this situation escalated. For reasons unknown, there was a delay in her paperwork and she would not be able to start until the following week. This allowed her to easily take Jon's place at the shop, without worry or hardship. Wes' longtime caregiver, who was like family, had put in her two weeks notice only one week before. They were sad and worried over her departure, not knowing what they would do when she was gone. God planned her exit so perfectly, making sure she was still there when they needed her, and allowing them to avoid terminating her employment. Hours after she had received the call about Wes, she was at their house, cleaning and taking care of the medical equipment. Twice in recent months, Jon had the opportunity to stay with his father while Terry was away. I thank God for these moments that my spouse can cherish. Only a few weeks before, Terry had begun attending a new church, a church that is now offering to let her have services there for free. Her new church family is welcoming her at the most needed time. You'll never convince me that all this is coincidence. It was just the opening gate and clearing of the path we were all about to walk down. He makes our way, He upholds our path. He goes BEFORE us and goes WITH us. (Deut 31:8)

The remainder of the day was spent in fellowship over food (we are southerners, you know) and planning the services for a beloved spouse, Dad and Poppy. God's orchestration continued as the people at the funeral home, friends of my father, allowed the family to have any urn of their choosing, free of charge. To a family on a budget, this was no small matter. Jon and Terry spent the afternoon going through photos, some of which Jon had never seen, as well as listening to recordings of Wes doing what he loved most, playing music and singing. Later that evening Jon showed these to me with beaming pride and a hint of sadness. The more we looked and listened, the more it kept ringing true in our minds: you really can't know or appreciate what you have until its gone. So I'll hold my spouse a little tighter, I'll put of chores so I can sit with him a little longer, I'll say thank you a little more for what I have today.

Highlights:
1) Family isn't defined by bloodlines.Thank God for that.
2) Friends are an unbelievable blessing. Thank you to all who offered words, prayers, food, and to those who are basically just sitting Shiva with us.
3) New Life. Our sweet baby niece Adele gave us all a welcome smiling and cooing distraction. Sometimes I think that's why God makes babies. The presence of a new life as we reflect on one that has just ended is a reminder of renewal, of growth, of the consistency of God's creation. Sweet, sweet girl.

Love, Closing Chapters & New Beginnings,

K